Mothering in the Dark

Ella and Caleb,

My sweet ones.

I knew all summer I’d write this letter.

But now that it’s here, now that it’s time to write, I hesitate. Fear creeps in and I wonder what you’ll think of me.

Because depression and shame often work together to chain and to bind no matter how hard you fight.

Ella-girl, my first fight with depression and anxiety came when you were three. And Caleb? I was in the ring again when you were one. Both battles were fought with Faith and medication.

Well, my loves?

I’m in the ring again feeling bloodied and bruised from the fight.

I’m not writing so you feel sorry for me. I’m writing so you know me. I want you know the imperfect hollows of my heart and mind.

I writing real. And one day I’ll be brave enough to let you read the real. When you’re ready. Because I never want you to feel as if you have to carry me through the shadowed days. And I never want you to think my dark is your fault. Never, never, never ever.

Because it’s not.

This past summer, while you skipped and danced and swam and biked and played. While you did those things?

I was deep in the dark. Yes. I was there. Yes. I smiled. But I’m an expert at hiding the black days.

You need to know. Your Daddy? He really is Prince Charming. He hides me so often behind his strong tower of safety. He shelters you from my worst days. And this past summer, he made sure you had the fun things to do.

But my darlings, I felt so weak.

Ella? My kind girl. There were times you needed me to do things for you this summer. Times the fog was so thick on me, I simply forgot.

I’m so sorry.

And Caleb? My boy who bounces and bounds with abandon? All you wanted was someone to play with this summer.

I’m so sorry.

My darlings, the guilt is so heavy it consumes me. But that’s the darkness talking. Because there were good days.

There really were.

But sometimes I wonder if you wish I was someone else? Do you wish you had a momma who is all-kinds-of-fun? Do you wish I had it all together?

I also wonder if you know how strong I am.

Because fighting depression and anxiety? Fighting the darkness? It’s not for wimps.

There will be people you hear in the whispered corners of your life that talk. They will say harsh and critical things about those who struggle like me. They will shake their heads and tsk-tsk because they think medication is for the weak. They will believe that those who live in darkness can simply choose light with a finger snap.

My sweet ones? Please don’t listen. Turn your ears away. Those arguments only want to stomp and crush and extinguish the spirits of the fighters.

And those who turn to face the darkness every single day? Those who open their eyes and rise out of their beds and walk one heavy foot after another into the sun?

They are the warriors.

They choose to war against the diseased pieces of their own minds.

So don’t look at me, sweet ones, and worry. Don’t think I will break like a branch drained of life. I’m refined by the fire, not consumed by it.

Because I’m never alone in the depression inferno. The Prince of Peace, my Jesus—your Jesus, He’s there. Always. There are so many reasons He allows these dark times to shadow my life. Reasons I can see. Reasons I can’t. But He never leaves.


My loves? Don’t believe depression is your momma’s definition. While it influences who I am, it does not define my life. Or yours.

I want to say it again. Again, so you can press it down deep where your memories are strong.

Depression is never someone’s definition.

You need to know I am so much more than a medical term. Believe that I am brave and strong and courageous. Because I choose to fight. I choose to fight with a tiny blue pill—God’s miracle of modern medicine. And I choose to fight with the One who never leaves or forsakes.

I choose to fight for me.

I choose to fight for your Daddy.

I choose to fight for you.

I will continue to choose the fight. I promise.

Because I love you both,



Your Warrior Mom.


A day of real smiles and sweet summer memories.

Posted in Hope, Joy, Motherhood, Struggles | Tagged , , , | 30 Comments

Using the Language Our Teens Speak

Oh, friends. It’s been too long. The too long has been caught up in the rush and busy of a new school year. I know you know. Barely catching breath and running here to there. It’s as if there are seasons when our lives become a piece of performance art for “The Flight of the Bumblebee.”

While today I’m over with my Orlando moms, there’s a piece of my a-bit-fragile heart I’ve held close this summer that I will timidly share with you in the next few days. Because I’m still here. I’m still searching for (and finding) the beautiful Joy hiding in plain site on this journey.

Until then, maybe join me at Orlando Mom’s Blog?

It’s been less than 10 years since iPhone changed our country, our culture, our world. Gone are the days of pay phones and Facebook via the desktop.

As a member of the generation with my childhood riding in cars without movie entertainment and my adulthood running pace with technology, I have welcomed many of the changes brought to us by our hand-held computers.

But then I became a mother of a middle schooler. With a phone….continue reading here.

Posted in Motherhood, Orlando Mom's Blog | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

For the Teacher at Summer’s End

I’m sitting at my desk. Music quietly plays in the background and a steady, soft rain falls outside my windows. My classroom is as ready as it can be.

I’m not.

In just a few hours, I will be gulping down nerves as I meet new parents and students at Open House. My stomach will be in knots, and I’ll wipe off my sweaty palms dozens of times. I will smile, and my face will light to see faces I know. And I will be excited about this school year. Because I am.

But I’m not ready.

Maybe you’re not either.

Just a few months ago, as the final bell clanged, I was filled with so much promise. Hopes and plans and projects and goals were going to be accomplished. I was going to get so. much. done this summer!

I was going to look over new curriculum for those three different classes, find two new AP novels to teach, help my daughter refinish a bedside table, play with my Court Jester more, snuggle on the couch each night with my Prince, start eating healthier meals, visit family, send off a manuscript to an agent, catch up on blogging, and, and, and…

Ask me if I accomplished any of that list.

Or don’t ask. That’s okay, too. Because my answer of ‘no’ swims in guilt.

I’m beginning to think teachers treat the last day of school as a time to make unrealistic New Year’s resolutions. In the same way February rolls around slapping us with the shame of unmet resolutions, August hits us with the fiery furnace of unmet goals.

That’s why I’m never ready to come back. I feel like I fail at summer. Every year.

I never get enough rest. I never get enough accomplished. And I never want to leave my family. And I never want to go back to the paperwork and the grading and the planning and the hoops to jump through.

Sure I’m ready to meet my students. I want the beautiful structure and schedule that comes with the school year. I’m tired of hearing my two children fight each other all-the-live-long day.

There are perks to going back to school.

Still. Summer’s edges taunt. I look at July fading in the distance with a deep yearning to dig my heels into the sand and refuse Monday’s first-day-of-school bell.

Here’s the thing about teacher-guilt at summer’s end. When it consumes us, as it so often does, we fail to see all our summer did hold. And as crazy as it sounds, the way to rid ourselves of our grumbling and foot stomping and arms crossing?


Because I’m thankful for much. For the books I did get to read, even if they aren’t going to work for my classroom. For the time to introduce my Ella-girl to The Lord of the Rings trilogy. For the mornings (okay…days) spent in pajamas. For watching my Court Jester ride his bike without training wheels for the first time. For nights my Prince and I did get together. For our first, for-real family vacation ever.

So much of my summer was beautiful. I miss seeing those glimpses of beauty when I’m mired in the guilt of unfinished plans or the frustration that comes with being a teacher in today’s culture.

But, my friends? Look at what we get to do.

In the coming weeks we get to build relationships with students. We get to influence the lives of future doctors, nurses, politicians, mechanics, lawyers, business managers, clerks, and every other possible job on earth. We get to see that light flicker in a student’s eyes for the very first time. We get to be a part of the change. We get to be a bright spot in what can be dark days in the lives of our students. We get to love our kids.

And loving our students? That’s why we do what we do.

May I just encourage you from my own struggle? I am making a conscious choice. On this day, I choose to be grateful for the beauty in my summer. And I choose to be grateful for all I get to do on Monday when that first bell rings.

I may not jump out of bed when that alarm goes off, and I may be dragging my feet with coffee in hand. But I choose to be excited. And then I may or may not also silently count my days until next summer…

Pray for me, my friends? I will be praying for you.

It’s going to be a good year. And we can do this. We must. The future depends on us.

FullSizeRender (2)

Posted in Struggles, Summertime, Teaching | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

Because It’s Not About Choosing Sides

For over a week I’ve been silent. Attempting to put a broken heart into thoughts and thoughts into words and words into something that makes sense. Knowing I have something to say about our nation’s fractions and fissures but not knowing quite how to say it.

So I’ve been quiet.

Even my prayers have been whispers to Jesus. His name repeated over and over and over. Because I haven’t even known what to pray.

And in the quiet, I’ve discovered this one thing.

I want to be part of the healing.


I have dear friends and former students that serve the police force in our community. I have a black brother-in-law. One of my daughter’s dearest friends is black, as is one of my life mentors. To choose one over the other isn’t healing.

DSC_0877 DSC_0879


Because friends that bake together and lick spoons together and laugh together, stay together. Ella and one of her best friends ever, Sydney.

Picking sides isn’t wound-binding. It only tears and rips and pulls further apart wounds that already gape, open and oozing.

This battle? It isn’t about sides. And it isn’t really a battle. No.

It’s a war. A war between good and evil. Between love and hate. Between light and dark. Between compassion and malice. Between kindness and violence.

Violence is evil. When black men are gunned down without cause. When police officers are gunned down without cause. It is violent. It is evil. You can’t rationalize it or make it right. And it tears at my soul.

Here is what I know.

I know I’m grateful for the role law enforcement officers play in our society. They run straight into the danger. Risking everything. Every. Thing. Most all desire to protect and serve. A career doesn’t make someone evil.


And a person’s race doesn’t make him evil.

But racism is evil. And it is real.

Several years ago I sat in the back of my classroom as a young black man gave a speech. A kind, compassionate, tender-hearted student. I adored him. I listened as L recounted an experience in a restaurant. He described his treatment as something I can only acknowledge as demoralizing and demeaning and racially motivated.

My student ended his speech with tears rolling down his face.

My world shifted forever in L’s speech. Until then I had only heard about discrimination. I acknowledge its reality, but I had never had to face it like I did that day. That day I was a witness to the real-life scars racism had left on L’s heart.

I had to acknowledge my own white privilege in that speech because I’ve never, not even once, had to consider that I might be treated that way. I have no frame of reference or concept for what that kind of discrimination feels like. And that? It’s privilege.

Just as I acknowledge the good of law enforcement, I must also acknowledge a country that continues to discriminate. The stories are real. Painful. And I need to listen despite my first instinct to deny.

After last week I am desperate to be part of the healing dialogue. I want to support the police officers in my community. I want to support my friends of color and my transracial family, too.

And so I will fight evil with the only real weapons I know.

I will pray before I speak and post and react. I will pray for wisdom and guidance. I will pray that God allows me to see His Truth and not be slanted by what I want to hear. I will pray for healing. I will pray for words of compassion. I will pray for ears that are quick to listen and slow to speak.

Mostly? I will pray.

And if I must choose a side, I will choose Jesus.

His mandates. His words. His desires. His is the side I choose. Because His is the side that chooses love over hate. Good over evil. Compassion over malice. Light over dark. And kindness over violence.

Posted in Hope, Struggles, World Issues | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

What My Kids Need When the World Turns Dark


Last night Caleb had a nightmare. Two robbers with guns came in through his window and stole him. He’s six. My heart shudders because–what a horrific dream.

I can’t pretend to think the dream wasn’t somehow related to the bits and pieces he heard about Sunday’s senseless massacre in Orlando, our Orlando. We tried to shelter him as much as we could, but Ella needed to know. At twelve, this tragedy was something we felt she needed to be aware of.

Today, Caleb’s conversations ranged from the very normal boy things like putting salt on slugs (he’s never actually done it) to why President Obama and other political candidates need policemen to protect them. I found myself, again, having to explain to my sweet boy that there are bad people in our world.

And last week after watching the attempted kidnapping of a girl in broad daylight at the Dollar General store here in Florida, I struggled to tell my 7th grade daughter why she would no longer be allowed to leave my side while shopping. Gone are the times I could leave her at the deli counter while I grabbed a few things in produce.

The fact is—the world is a scary place.

In the last two weeks we’ve seen a rapist only slapped on the wrist, an almost kidnapping, a music artist shot dead at a concert, and the largest mass murder in U.S. history.

If you’re human, you should be reeling from the evil traipsing across our country. If you’re a parent, you may be wondering, like me, how to protect your children physically and mentally.

The heartbreaking truth is as mothers in our first world nation, we are only now beginning to understand a fear mothers all over the world have lived for years, centuries even—the fear that we cannot protect our children. This is the world we are facing.

But I refuse to let fear win.

I’m left wondering, in the midst of my mourning—how do I talk real with my children? How do I tell them we live in an unsafe world without causing them to be afraid? How do I help them live life without being controlled by fear?

I tell them the Truth.

I tell them Jesus never promised a life without pain or suffering. But then I tell them Jesus also promised that perfect love casts out all fear. I can tell them that no matter what we face while on this earth, Jesus is with us wherever we go.

I can teach my children how to pray when they feel scared. I can let them sleep on the floor in our bedroom as many nights as they need to feel safe. I can hold them tight and tell them no matter what happens on this earth, our Hope is in heaven with our God.

I can remind them of the beautiful goodness we witness in our world.

I can show pictures of people lined up for hours to give blood here in Orlando. I can remind them of all of the men and women we know who serve as policemen, nurses, emergency responders, and doctors. I can show them a community that refuses to live in fear by continuing to visit the parts of Central Florida we dearly love.

I can teach them love is mightier than hate.

I can tell them evil lurks behind fear. Evil is darkness. And then I can turn on the light. I can show them light is more powerful than dark with the flick of a switch. We can watch a sunrise together and be reminded night never lasts.

Light is stronger than dark.

I can teach my innocent babes that Jesus is the Light of this world, and His light has already defeated the darkness. And I can remind them as many times as I have to that we uncover Hope in a world that wants us to be afraid through a Savior who wants us to love.

So, my sweet little boy afraid of the dark? Climb into my arms. Let me hold you close. Allow me to whisper the Peace of Christ softly in your ear until your breathing slows and your eyes droop with sleepy heaviness.

Because our answer to fear is only ever the perfect love of a Savior who is Light and who came to drive out the darkness.

This is the Truth I will tell.


Scriptures to pray with your children in the face of fear:

  • 2 Timothy 1:7—For God has not given us a spirit of fear but one of power and of love and of sound mind.
  • Joshua 1:9—Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for theLord your God is with you wherever you go.
  • 1 John 4:4—You, dear children are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
  • Philippians 4:10—…at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth…
  • 1 John 4:18a—There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.

Posted in Hope, Motherhood, Struggles, World Issues | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments

Please. Don’t Correct My Kid for Using Manners

“Don’t call me sir. That’s my father. You can call me Gary*.” The sales associate looked at my twelve year old girl with a patronizing grin.

“Yes, sir. I mean…sorry.” My daughter stumbled.

My daughter, out of habit, continued to use the manners she’s been taught since infancy. The associate continued to correct her in different ways. She felt uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Momma Bear had enough. I was madder than a wet hen. “Look. It’s part of our southern roots. It’s part of what she’s been taught, and she can’t just turn-off a habit. It’s our way of demonstrating respect. She’s going to say sir,” I said with all the saccharine I could muster.

Then came the patronizing chuckle.

So, I’m over at one of my favorite places, Orlando Moms Blog, today. A little bit snarky. A little bit sarcastic. But that’s part of me too…

Posted in Motherhood, Orlando Mom's Blog | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

When You Wonder if You Did Enough

My classroom is quiet.

Today was the last day of the school year, and I’m sorting through papers and materials—attempting to save only what is necessary. But I hold on tight because what if. What if I need it next year? Or the next?

What if I change my mind and teach Frankenstein again? (Good news, juniors…I won’t.) What if I need that one page out of that one workbook from 2005? What if my computer crashes and I loose all my files and I need that hardcopy?

Those aren’t the only what-ifs I’m asking.

I also find myself haunted by the hard questions. The painful and guilt-ridden ones.

You see, the faces of some students haunt the classroom of my heart. Not the scary ghost-story kind. But rather those who are the subjects of my did-I-do-enough questions.

I think of S. The third grader my second year of teaching. The one I didn’t know how to teach. The one from a crazy, broken home who could be sweeter than lemonade one second while he bounced and flitted and yelled and screamed and never listened the next. The one I gave up on because I was out of ideas. I think of S., and I’m filled with shame.

I think of T. The eighth grader who called me a b!#*&. The one so angry at the world he carried violence in his fists. The one expelled because my discipline referral for his spewed word was the very last one he was allowed to get. I didn’t know. And I think…if only I hadn’t written him up. Maybe he wouldn’t be in jail today?

I think of C. The junior girl filled high with entitlement. The one who looked down her nose at me, sighing big with sarcastic eye rolls. The one who showed up for her AP exam and never wrote a single word or bubbled a single letter, knowing her score affected me. I think of C and wonder if I stayed angry with her too often.

It’s not that I think I can save students. Or that I see myself as some sort of high-and-mighty teacher able to fix all the problems of those I teach.

Neither is possible. I know that.

But it doesn’t keep me from wondering if I did enough to help them. Or if my actions hurt them.

Every year I ask the what-ifs…

Was I as kind as I could have been to the kid who never stops talking? Did I handle that discipline situation correctly or was I too nice about it? Was my class too hard? Was it too easy? Did I require their best? All the time? Did I give my best? All the time?

Truth is, I never close the door on a school year feeling like I did all I could.

I think about the lessons I could have put more effort into. The papers I could have spent more time grading. The days I could have been more prepared for their possible questions. The days I could have kept them better engaged.

All the times I could have done more, more, more.

I know I’m not the only teacher who feels this way. And you don’t have to teach to understand the questions of what if and did I do enough?

Reflection is good if it spurs us towards change. But when reflection beats us black and blue, grinding us down under the heavy weight of guilt? We can’t move forward.

And I want to move forward. Every year.

I want S to remind me never to give up. I want T to remind me how deep my students hurt, how much they need my prayers, and how sometimes consequences are out of my control. I want C to remind me that behind every arrogant façade, there is a brokenness needing my compassion, not my anger.

I always want to improve—to be a master learner of my teaching craft.

And how I reflect on the year will determine if I move forward. Do I bury myself under the weight of unmanageable guilt? Or do I take sand paper to the rough edges of the year?

And in the process? I must remember some edges can’t be smoothed over. There are some things out of my control. Some students I’ll never reach. Some failures unpreventable.

I’m learning there will always be more I could do, say, or teach. Nothing will be enough to ensure a perfect year.

Because bottom line? Life isn’t neatly wrapped in red ribbon.

So how I respond to my what-ifs is really a question of whether or not I will allow in grace.

Grace to remember the year is done. Grace to realize I finished well, despite the imperfections. Grace to forgive myself for my mistakes.

Reflect, my dear friends. Reflect and move forward. Refuse guilt and fling wide your arms for Grace.

And the most beautiful stain-glassed Grace for the teacher?

Beginning anew in August.


Posted in Struggles, Teaching | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

I’m Already Proud of You

Oh, my sweet girl. My young, beautiful ballerina.

This week I’ll watch you walk into the studio for hours and hours of rehearsal for your part in next week’s performance of Coppélia. After the final curtain falls, and your muscles are weak and tired, you’ll look for me.

You’ll want to know, Did you see me dance, Momma?

Of course I did.

I love watching you dance. My breath catches, and I don’t trust myself to speak. Salty tears threaten to spill out the corners of my eyes. You will never understand how much I adore witnessing your talents on display.

I love watching you dance.

But lean in close, my sweet girl. Because what I’m about to tell you is one of them most important things you will ever hear from me. Something I want you to stuff into every dark corner of your heart. Something I want you to pull up every moment you feel disappointment  well within–moments when you need light. Something I never, ever want you to forget.

I’m already proud of you.

You could miss a step, a beat, an entrance. You could decide to never dance again.

None of those things matter.

Because I’m already proud of you.

I’m not proud of you because you dance beautifully. I’m proud because in order to do so, you work with incredible perseverance and determination.

I’m not proud of you because you make the honor roll. I’m proud of you because you strive towards excellence.

I’m not proud of you because you’re well liked by friends. I’m proud of you because your kind heart draws others to you.

You see, treasured girl, I’m never proud of you because you display a talent or a gifting in certain areas.

I’m proud of you because of who you choose to be.

When I see you welcome the unloveable, face the hard things, get back up after a fall, extend grace to those unkind, embrace challenges, refuse to give up, respect people of all backgrounds, be blind to the color of one’s skin, stand strong in your convictions? When I see these things?

This is when I’m so proud of you I can’t stand still. My joy wells-up and spills out.

Are you a daughter of character? Do you show resilience when you want to give in? Is your heart one that seeks to please God and not man?

Because you will never please man. Humankind will always want more and more and more from you. There is but one heart to please, daughter. And His is the heart that created you and numbered the silky hairs on your sweet head.

I will disappoint you with my humanness. It’s not if but when. His love will never disappoint.

If you only danced for me. If you only made good grades for me. If you were only kind for me. If you only ever chose to do things to make me proud, then when the road becomes difficult and you fail a test or trip on stage or lash out, you will lose your way.

You won’t know who you are.

Never dance for me, Ella-girl. Dance for your Jesus. And dance because you love to spin across the floor on your toes. Never change or mold yourself to fit some kind of person shaped the way you think I want you to be.

Don’t misunderstand, darling. I love to watch you twirl. Your grades make me smile. My heart warms at the friends you call your own.

But my pride in who you are? You can’t gain something you already have.

So when the curtain falls Sunday. When you curtsey. When you smile into the audience. Hear these words from my heart…

I’m already proud of you.


Posted in Beautiful Life, Joy, Motherhood | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Dear Teacher on the Tired Days,

I get it.

I had a student hurt my feelings today. Words that cut deep and wounded because there is always an element of truth perceived by the one being sarcastic.

And I’ve been icing my bruises all afternoon.

The school year is winding down, and I’m tired. I know you’re tired, too. Exhaustion is seeping in. We’re wondering if we’re going to end better than we began, or if our students will be dragging our limp bodies across the finish line.

My seniors may have three weeks left, but they checked out a month ago. Some days I wonder why I even bother to have a lesson. I could just assign a reading passage and the questions to answer from the end for the next fifteen school days.

There are teachers out there who do that…

I understand why.

I spend days and weeks begging and pleading, attempting to try anything that might, just might, get my students to read the books I assign.

I craft lessons and talk about stories and show video clips in every attempt to get my teens to think outside of themselves—to see the world and its nuances. Then I spend lunch wiping the tears of the one bullied and outcast.

I stay up to grade essays and comment on ways to improve their writing. Hours spent away from my family only to wonder if it makes any sort of difference when I see those same essays in the trash.

So by this time of year, I’m ready to call it quits. Every year wondering if I can do it again.

I know you understand. I know you feel the same. I know you have nights you wonder why you chose this profession, this teaching, this pouring out of your life into hearts day after day after day.

But really? You didn’t choose teaching.

It chose you.

For me, college was spent denying the very thought of teaching. It was only a far-in-the-background safety net if the writing thing didn’t work out.

The only job I could get right out of college?

Yep. Teaching.

By Christmas that first year I said never again.

I’ve been teaching thirteen of the last seventeen years, and now there’s no other job I’d enjoy more. (Unless being a travel writer for Condé Nast was an option…Are they hiring? Tahiti sounds like heaven right now.)

It is my calling. It is my purpose.

But here’s the thing about calling. God doesn’t call us to the easy. He invites us to the hard. The get-your-hands-dirty difficult. We are not promised perfect just because we are fulfilling our life’s purpose.

Because that kid with the bitter sarcasm? He or she may still need your smile that you might not want to give.

And your class after lunch with 20 big teenage boys and only five girls, all hyped-up with sugar, dyes, and processed foods and IEPs and 504s? They need to know they’re worth the effort even when they themselves show none.

And those children from broken homes with parents who shatter each other with words or fists? They need a quiet heart to stand beside them, even though you know politicians only see their test scores and not their homes.

And those students with apathy so thick you fear they will never feel anything? For anyone? They need to see that transparency breathes a beautiful life. They need to see it in you, even when the see-through heart leaves you an easy target.

Teaching was never about us. If this profession has called your name, you’re only ever in it for the students.

That’s why it hurts so much when they act like they don’t care or when the disrespect slaps us hard across the face, and the sting burns for days.

I know you’re tired. You’re battle weary with wounds seeping and scarring. But they still need you.

They need to see your fight.

Don’t give up, my friend. You can’t. I can’t. The stakes are too high. This calling, this profession, this teaching—it changes the future.

Our students are worth starting new tomorrow. They are worth giving it all we have one more day again and again and again.

Because there are students listening. There are students learning. There are students caring. We must refuse to allow the loud voices of a few to drown out the soft voices of teachable spirits.

Let’s fight together, friends. Let’s end this year better than we began. Let’s cheer each other on tomorrow and the next day and the next until we hear that final bell ring.

This is our calling. These are our students.

They deserve our fight.


Posted in Teaching | Tagged , , , , | 177 Comments

Whispers and the Still, Small Voice

I know I’ve been quiet lately—here in this space.

There’s no singular reason, but rather it’s been the spinning plates or the different hats or whatever metaphor you want to give to the busy-ness of a teacher-mom running fast.

While a full life is good, and I wouldn’t want it any other way, it sometimes sucks the creativity right out of me. Despite my silence here, I’ve been thinking about how God and I communicate.

It’s not always a neatly-tied-in-a-ribbon package of greatness.

There’s this quote that floats around. I’m not really a fan.

Something about the teacher being silent during the test, and how that’s like God when we’re tested with the struggles of life.

I guess, as a teacher, the reason the statement feels a bit like sand in my shoe, is because I’m not always quiet when my students are testing. Especially when a student asks for help. While I may not give them the answer, I don’t ignore them. I’m not silent. Instead, I work to guide them, whispering to them at their desk.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I talk to God. How He speaks to me. All of those things.

A few months ago I lost my voice which is not the best scenario for a teacher of juniors and seniors. Throughout the day I could barely croak out a whisper, but my students were incredible. After they stopped laughing at me (because really, who wouldn’t?), they all became quiet.

They were intent on listening. Hearing my whispered voice.

Now. Their quietness wasn’t what I found strange. I expected it because teaching 101 tells you the better response from a classroom occurs when you lower your voice, not raise it.

What was strange to me was that they whispered back.

Time and time again my students responded in small, quiet voices and not because they were trying to be funny. Except for a few, their natural response to my hushed words was a whisper.

They whispered back.

This is where I have my communication with God all wrong.

I’m not proud of it, but I’m a tantrum thrower. My first reaction to anything straying from The Plan is anger and frustration and finger pointing and fist shaking toward Heaven. I pitch a fit, fussing at my Creator.

I don’t react well to any test or struggle. I don’t guess many do.

I don’t ask God questions in whispered words so I can hear His still small voice. Instead, I’m stomping my feet, yelling about the unfair problem on page three.

I allow panic and fear to take over when I’m facing the struggles of this life. I allow anger to bubble up when I don’t understand why bad things happen. I allow frustration to drown out any chance of hearing my Teacher’s voice.

But I don’t want to stay this way.

Here is what I want to learn—I want to learn to whisper my heart to my Daddy-God. I want to learn how to not shake my fist but to feel the quake in my soul that comes with Holy Communion.

I want a heart that quietly approaches the throne of God with my questions and struggles and tests instead of storming the gates of Heaven which will leave me battle weary and bruised.

God’s voice can be loud and clear. But most frequent in my life, it is still and small. It breathes a gentle wind into my soul.

Is God quiet during our tests? Maybe. Sometimes.

And is it oaky to come to Him with our questions and our anguished hearts? Yes.

But more often? I think I just can’t hear Him because I’m too busy screaming my questions instead of whispering them.

I’m drowning out the voice of God with my loud words.

I learn to learn to whisper back.

Whispered prayers prepare our hearts for His still, small voice.

Whispered Prayers

Posted in Hope, Joy, Relationship with God | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment